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Wednesday, July 29, 2009
i wanna be like the wise man who built his house upon the rock. i want my house to stand strong and unshaken even if the hurricanes and floods come. i wanna build myself a strong, solid foundation to be able to receive the gift that has been prepared for me.
i don't wanna be the foolish man who built his house upon the sand. i don't want my house to fall when strong gales of wind blow and when the rain comes tumbling down.
i wanna be 100% sure that i am both good enough and strong enough to handle something this big, this precious.
i need to come back to the basics, i need to set my priorities right, and i need to discipline myself.
bringing me to his kingdom.
3:48 PM
Monday, July 27, 2009
'I believe everyone has a calling. We are all uniquely created with a purpose. If we're not bold enough to step out and fulfill that, we shortchange this world with our personal and unique contributions'
i don't believe in being fearful and ending up living with the what-ifs in life. yes, i will live out that unique dream that is solely mine regardless of what the cynical may say.
i have a contribution to make, i am running this race, and i believe in the power of one!
p.s/- today marks the start of me reading my long-neglected book of love letters :)
bringing me to his kingdom.
5:50 PM
Thursday, July 02, 2009
i looovveee bangkok! i'm still like living in my bangkok days even though i've been back since monday, haha. just can't get enough of the cheap food, clothes, and accomodation. and best of all, the company as well as the lifestyle! well well, i really wouldn't mind living there for a couple of years.
took the 0630hrs flight early friday morning by myself for the very first time to look for angel dearest. it was an experience, scary but good. they picked me up from the airport and we headed to the hotel. beautiful, huge suite we shared :) slacked for quite a bit till hunger beckoned for food. iced coffee with roadside char siew noodles (where i transfered all the char siew in my bowl to angel's), and platinum afterwards. angel is a closet shopaholic, i swear! she bought some really good, juicy chickens too for us to share back at the hotel, haha. oh and i bumped into eliza outside platinum, how coincidental! visited khao san at night with angel and the two esthers. khao san is still my favourite place in bangkok (not just because they greet me 'konnichiwa' there)! bargained for cotton shirts and leather bracelets, shared pad thai and sweet mangoes. angel left with esther first cos of red, dry eyes while the other esther and i did manicure and pedicure for 300baht! bought my dried cuttlefish in yummy sauce and walked the streets of khao san before cabbing back.
chatuchak early next morning after angel woke me up at 0950hrs for the hotel's breakfast which ends at 1000hrs, haha! i love hotel breakfasts :) scramble eggs, toast with jam (i so wanted to buy a toaster when i woke up this morning), juices, koko krunch in milk, bacon, sausages, macaroni, yoghurt and the list goes on. went a little crazy again at my favourite abercrombie & fitch shop. spent the longest time choosing berms for the boys and had yummy chicken noodles for a really late lunch. bought my mango smoothie and choco banana prata! spent about 6hrs at chatuchak bargaining and hunting for good buys, haha. wanted to head down to suan lom at night to search for esther's hand-painted shoes but it was pouring. so we stayed in and ended up talking late into the night over CP wantons, lays potato chips, tao kae noi seaweed, oishi green tea, and a huge bottle of yakult.
woke up real early to pick micho dear up from the airport on sunday! she was suppose to be on the same flight as me but her mom didn't let her go due to the swine flu. but she came anyway! yes, after two reported deaths in thailand from swine the day before. haha her decision making process is really bad! anyway, she came with really bruised thighs from a knee surgery which she didn't tell her parents about. that girl drives me crazy sometimes! went to chinatown for goose and kao sai before tuk-tuking to the flower market to buy fruits! and angel, being the geography student she is, wanted to walk into the smelly, wet market selling all sorts of vegetables which we're definitely not buying. that's where micho and i protested profusely. then she suggested excitedly with a sparkle in her eyes about taking a boat ride along the mekong river, where micho and i threw her disgusted glances and told her if she reeaaaalllyy thought that'll be fun and wanted to do that we could accompany her. haha super funny! it was back to platinum for more shopping (supposedly for me to look for work clothes, but micho ended up going crazy) before angel and esther had to go pick another girl up from the airport. i bought yummy choco banana crepes! then it was chatuchak again :) i love the fried fish cakes drenched in the awesome chilli sauce! and my dearest psychotic micho bought a 1,400baht 3-D flowery dress.. flowers are her craze now and she compared that dress to buying a zara top to make it seem less horrible. went to mbk at night for a disappointing japanese buffet that we got cheated into cos there was a long queue for it. they actually gave out waiting numbers like those in hospitals.
i love being in a foreign land. i enjoy talking to people of different cultures and making new friends. i bask in the feeling of independence. and i like being somewhere where everyone smiles and you don't really need to care what others think about you.
this is what i love, this is me.
bringing me to his kingdom.
3:20 PM
'visions are placed in your heart by Jesus.
and what He puts, it's what He'll fulfill as long as we believe.'
my new favourite friend, esther, from bangkok told me this and i love her for that :)
the power to trust and believe.
bringing me to his kingdom.
2:24 PM
Monday, June 08, 2009
i love my life! :)
i'm back to feeling very comfortable in my own skin. running errands, spending time with myself.. no problem! i clearly remember that was what i once enjoyed doing. my independent, care-free self :)
past week has been reeeeaaaallllyyy busy! cis kids graduation from wednesday through friday.. they're an awesome, sweet bunch whom i'll really miss over their hols! especially andre, kiran, india, oliver, danial, jasmine, and adeline. little jasmine (who doesn't know how to put on her own socks!) even gave me a drawing of a bunny she did at school, and little adeline (who loves hugging me when she's suppose to be skating) gave me a glittery piece of string. so sweet! it's been school, work, church, and ballet.. draining me from early morning to late night. but it sure feels good!
squeezed in a tanning session with wayne on saturday just so he can pass me my 2 bottles of baileys! that bugger is a spoilt brat who wants the car if we go out for supper. but it was good catching up!
met jay-bo yesterday evening to skate at east coast, and nate joined us for dinner at lagoon. i love teddy chicken wings! yummm, haha. and i love the boys though we're a very broke bunch these days, haha. got a new bike burn from jay's bike, grrrr!
WOOHOO, looking forward to another busy week (which i know will be awesome)!
bringing me to his kingdom.
10:46 AM
Monday, May 18, 2009
just him calling to check on me this early in the day out of his busy-ness is enough to make me happy :)
just that short few minutes is enough to erase evey hurt i felt and make me contemplate deleting my entire previous entry and pretending i'm okay. i'm really afraid of spoiling everything, of creating something that will pain me with my very own hands. frankly, i'd rather bury it and forget it. but just for once, i shall be brave and leave it there. cos if it didn't matter to me, i wouldn't have cried last night and the whole of this morning.
come what may.
bringing me to his kingdom.
1:38 PM
swollen, puffy eyes.
cried so badly last night, i couldn't breathe. the next time i checked the time, more than an hour had passed and i was surprised. i'm certain the past two months of tears that have flowed are the most in my 22 years. i think all that keeping mum and holding back everything i have to say is doing more harm than good to me. i never wanted to put a cap to the love and care i give, i'd rather keep the hurt to myself than risk spoiling the time i have with you. cos i treasure the time we share. and all i ask is for you to spare a thought for me.
i told myself, it's okay if you turn your back on me when i want to lean on you. it's okay if you hit me in the head 'playfully' but in actual fact you've crossed the line. it's okay if you claim to be so busy and brush me away. it's okay if you have endless time to spare for your friends but with me, you say you've got lots of work waiting to be done. it's okay when you don't hesitate before agreeing to meet your friends but you need days of contemplation before agreeing to meet me. it's okay if you wander off yourself, expecting me to follow you. it's okay when you call only when you're free and i'll always be there, but it doesn't work the other way round.. i always have to hope you're in a good mood when i'm waiting for you to answer. it's okay even if you choose to throw your temper at me, i'd still be there to soothe and comfort you.
it's okay cos i know i'm not exclusive anymore even though you still are to me. i'll never be too busy for you.
i keep smiling and telling myself it's all okay, it's not that big a deal for me to look away for awhile and inhale a couple of long deep breathes to keep my cool. cos i still notice and take joy in the small, simple acts you go out of your way to do for me. but i guess, there's really a limit to everything.
i don't care if i need to mark papers when we meet up. as long as i get to spend time with you, anyway i really do enjoy marking papers. but above it all, all i really want to do is to help lessen your workload, take away the stress, so you get more time to rest and won't fall sick, and so you'd be happier. i even took the initiative to limit the time i wish to spend with you thinking you might want to have some time resting at home or catching up with your work. but when you decided to meet your friends without hesitation for a dinner i didn't even dare think of having with you as much as i wanted to cos i thought you'd want to rest, it just broke my heart even though i refused to let you know.. simply because i know i've got no right over anything anymore. i still genuinely enjoy marking papers, but why does it seem to me that you actually do have enough time.. for everyone else, but me?
i keep putting your feelings above my own, even up till now. despite having you slam the door in my face countless times. every night, i still pray for you to be happy, safe and healthy. every day, i still wonder how your day has been and what you might be doing. i wonder if you're happy and if you have enough rest, if you took care of yourself, if you got injured during training. but i guess you've never wondered about mine since you hardly ask. you can easily not contact me, while it's still so hard for me to accomplish no matter how busy or exhausted i may be. i'm not even worth one minute of your busy days. that's when i know, i'm disposable.
i want so much to tell you all my hurt and pain, you used to be the one who'd listen and comfort me. but how do i now when you're the one who caused it? i kept all these in me cos i was afraid what might happen if i were to tell you, i still am. i'd rather keep it to myself if i can't guarantee it'll be words of comfort you'd say to me. cos i can't afford to have another slash in my heart when the very first wound hasn't even healed yet. i'm not strong enough to handle another deep slash. but i can't keep it in me any longer.. i'll lose my mind. i'm thankful for every nice thing you do for me, but i feel so alone in this hurt, in this pain. it's been a testing period for my patience and endurance.
i don't wanna let go, i've never wanted to let go.. and i still don't wanna let go. but really, it seems you don't need me in your life anymore. it's piercing my heart to admit this. or perhaps, you've been taking my love and care for granted unknowingly.. i don't know. i've never blamed you for any of these, i just wanted to be treated fairly. maybe cos you're kept secured knowing i mean it when i say i'll always be here for you. i know despite you not admitting it, you still miss me occasionally and that's when you call out of the blue.. and i'd be there for you. but what happens when the tables are turned?
i'm struggling, i'm lost. but i know the day i make the decision to really move on, i'm gone. is this what i want? well, you never really gave me a choice.
i always say the ball is in your court, but now i'm giving this ball to God. i wanna dream and i truly believe in miracles, but i don't wanna dream something that's my own. i wanna dream something for God, and for God only. i don't wanna listen to what humans have to say.
and i will soar on wings like eagles.
bringing me to his kingdom.
10:30 AM
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
weeeeee, met up with angel dear yesterday for wolverine! it was good and really captivating, haha. oh and yesterday was my first and last time keeping tickets man. with the habit of throwing unwanted stuff like receipts and vouchers away immediately, i threw our tickets away without checking the seat numbers! it was horrible, yet sooooooooooooper funny. good friend had to dig the dustbin for the tickets until it finally hit me that it was another bin i dumped into! oops, haha. i laughed so hard till i had to kneel down.
bumped into candice and bun at tommy's (where i saw anthony but didn't have time to stop and talk) and we went to my favourite coffee hangout before candice sent us back. YAY, redang all together pls! good friend's gonna fly away from me to thailand this sunday :( one person less for me to whine to when i'm upset. nevermind, i got grace-o dearest coming back next week from toronto! :)
gonna be busy busy busy this week! work tomorrow and thursday. coaching at cis on friday before cell group (i'll try to squeeze time in between for a show okay, kink!), then supper after with mclub :) coaching 2 classes from 9am at east coast on saturday, gonna go for 3 ballet classes (can't wait!) which will take up my entire afternoon, then evening service! whoa, so very very packed! i gotta get the car man. and i'm still contemplating meeting nate for lunch in between, haha. he's been wanting to meet since he came back from his dive trip but my current schedule just can't fit him in somehow! i wanna find out what he got me anyway, he says it's something funny.
june's gonna be reeeeeeaaaaaaaaalll busy as well and i'm looking forward to meeting new people! with loud camp, skate camp, skatefest.. juggled with school, work, church, and ballet. still thinking whether or not to fly to bangkok with mich-o to join angel for the last 9 days of her field trip. planning to backpack and do a roadtrip up to laos for 3 days before her thai friends return to thailand and we bunk in and hang out with them. sounds cool, aye? but i got an international marketing mid-term test that week, damn.. hopefully i can work something out if mich-o's on. oh, and i'm gonna be doing some beer thing with angel and candice for F1 in september! weeeeeeeeeee.. another thing i'm looking forward to, haha.
first day of a new semester today and i love it! love my girlies more and more, haha :) nat told me she officially broke up with her boyfriend already but she's okay and i'm glad for her. said she's gonna write a book about all her failed relationships and give guys a crash course on how to make a relationship work! haha, damn funny and she's really serious about it.
i love my canadian international school (cis) skate kids. they're so so intelligent and outspoken, it's hard to believe they're just 5 to 7 year olds. and despite it being their first time seeing you, they come up straight and talk to you before class even starts. and when they hear you're their new coach, they become excited, jumping up and down with sparkling eyes and wide smiles. it's like, awwwwwwwwww!
bringing me to his kingdom.
10:20 PM
Monday, May 11, 2009
images that come to me without warning, scenes which i carry within me.. some may be buried, but no doubt still within reach and definitely intact in every possible way.
nostalgia.
bringing me to his kingdom.
12:16 PM
Saturday, May 09, 2009
what does this remind you of?
uploading pics on facebook of vesak day spent with my childhoodies cycling around pulau ubin, so i shall blog briefly in the meantime! it was really fun, but extremely tiring. at one point, i got stuck in thick, shit-colored mud and my beloved havaianas were sooooooooooooper-glued to the smelly, horrible mud. it was quite funny though! i was screaming like nobody's business, haha.
results are out! distinctions for tourism & hospitality law and sustainable tourism, and credit for services marketing :) and i finally got the pay i've been asking for at work, so i'm happy. things seem to be getting back on track! thank God! couldn't have done it without Him.
results are out! distinctions for tourism & hospitality law and sustainable tourism, and credit for services marketing :) and i finally got the pay i've been asking for at work, so i'm happy. things seem to be getting back on track! thank God! couldn't have done it without Him.
oh, and i realised today that it's been a year since i got my driving license since 7th may!
on a separate note.. at times, i still feel upset suddenly. but i figured, the courage i had to voice them out is diminishing.. i fear when everything seems so fragile. yes, i admit i'm scared. cried yesterday evening out of the blue. it's been two months and my feelings are still the same, still as strong.. just restrained and expressed in silence now without a choice. but i'm keeping faith, i'm definitely clinging on to it and persevering.
on a separate note.. at times, i still feel upset suddenly. but i figured, the courage i had to voice them out is diminishing.. i fear when everything seems so fragile. yes, i admit i'm scared. cried yesterday evening out of the blue. it's been two months and my feelings are still the same, still as strong.. just restrained and expressed in silence now without a choice. but i'm keeping faith, i'm definitely clinging on to it and persevering.
yes, i am.
i need a rhema word, badly.
bringing me to his kingdom.
9:34 PM
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
do you know of anyone who felt sick and went to the doctor's only to be told to show him his palms? well, i know of someone like that. someone who had too many oranges, mangoes, papayas, and watermelons to eat everyday, his palms turned orange. DAMN RIDICULOUS AND FUNNY!!!!!
please do tell me if you know of someone with a similar experience, haha.
bringing me to his kingdom.
12:00 AM
Monday, May 04, 2009
grandma came over today since she was around the area visiting the doctor. she's damn cute haha. showed us all the medicine she's gotta take.. there was this tablet so big i got scared! and then she started relating to us in dialect about how she started crying uncontrollably in the presence of God at church.. i only caught fragments of the conversation since i couldn't understand dialect entirely. but it was like, awwwwww!
sent grandma home then went for lunch with my family at golden mile food centre. had beef noodles and peanut glutinous rice balls! it was chinatown after cos mom wanted to buy shampoo and all.
started reading 'the namesake' this morning while eating my favourite ken ken for breakfast. it's pretty interesting! baby lent it to me yesterday and frankly, i was quite skeptical about h i s choice of books (jeffrey archer). haha! met up yesterday for lunch at seam im before helping h i m to mark papers at our favourite coffee hangout :) i must say i enjoyed it! i've got a new found talent, haha. when i was a kid, i used to like putting ticks and crosses all over rough pieces of paper and pretend i'm a teacher. then putting a score at the top right hand corner, accompanied with words such as excellent, good job, try harder.. haha.
labor day was dad and mom's 24th wedding anniversary. we went to east coast to cycle, while i skated, all the way through the park connectors to changi where we could see the runways and control tower! it was cool, haha. hardly spend much time together as a family these days and it's been a long time since we did something outdoors. really miss my childhood days where we visit the park almost every weekend to cycle and play by the beach. headed to marina area after for dinner! it was good :)
well, that pretty much sums up my weekend. looking forward to this weekend!
bringing me to his kingdom.
5:08 PM
