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Sunday, April 12, 2009
HAPPY EASTER!! :)
i went for two services over the last two days, haha! i enjoy being in the presence of God, probably the only place now where i am genuinely happy and free. friday with minzy and kink after work, and yesterday with my family. loved catching up with minzy and kink.. steamboat session soon ya!
headed to gardens for a really late dinner after service last night with my family after picking dad up from calvary. as i drove along the road towards gardens, memories of o u r long walks came flooding back.. i was taken aback, unprepared for that sudden surge of emotions. i quickly pushed those memories back, blinked away the excess water in my eyes, and concentrated on driving. walking towards chomp chomp, several flashbacks came back. dinners at aston's, silly h i m trying to parallel park head first, and the chomp chomp foodstalls we used to patronise.. i only dared to give them a glance, so afraid the sweet memories will rush back full force if i let my glance linger for long.
dad offered to be the driver for the journey home, so i sat in the back.. which was bad, cos the route dad took was the exact same one w e used to walk. i could literally see u s taking our usual 'after dinner at chomp chomp long walk'.. walking hand in hand and laughing as we poked fun at each other, simply enjoying each other's company. it seems like that was just yesterday. and no matter how hard i tried to fight my tears back, they just flowed. i couldn't control it at all. i simply miss h i m, too much maybe.
i hate to admit this, but i dread my weekends now. i remember anticipating my weekends, eager to see h i m and spend time with h i m. so why is it the same weekends i used to feel pass too fast seem so painfully long now? and why am i crying over the exact same weekends that i used to spend laughing?
what could i be doing now that'll make my weekend worthwhile again? heading down with h i m to suntec after breakfast at macs and skating at ecp? meeting h i m for lunch at seah im and going to our favourite coffee hangout at vivo? simply spending time together, having lunch, window shopping, catching a show? or creating our own memories by coming up with random things to do together, like camwhore-ing at fort canning? sigh.. anything, anything will do. i'm the kind that will always want one more minute, just a little while more. but now, even a 15mins meal with h i m will make my world a better place to live in. can i have a hug please?
why is it i'm crying so hard now i can hardly breathe? it's not suppose to be like that, not anymore. but everytime i think i'm better, the weekends come and destroy everything that i thought has healed. this morning, i woke up willing myself not to open my eyes cos i know it's a sunday. which is when that awful feeling stuck at the pit of my stomach comes back so strongly, it can't be ignored. it's the feeling that says, i miss h i m so bad. so with my eyes still closed, i prayed for God to give me the strength to go through today without feeling horrible. now i just take one day at a time, drawing strength from God every single day. and God really listens.. cos so far today, i haven't felt that awful feeling at the pit of my stomach. but one thing i still can't gain control over again is my tears. i used to find it so difficult to squeeze a teardrop out, but now they just flow so freely.
honestly, i don't wanna be like this. but everytime i miss h i m, it overwhelms me and i start doing things i know i shouldn't do rationally. sometimes it's so overwhelming i feel i need to let h i m know or i can't sit still, sometimes it's so overwhelming i want to let h i m know but am actually afraid to do so.. simply fearing the negative probability of hearing the cold, harsh truth i know h e ' s capable of saying. how i long for the positive probability!
nobody wants their genuine love and care to be in vain, everybody wants reciprocation. i'm such a mess.. i know eveything rationally, but i just can't do it emotionally. i remember y o u running to the reception when we were at koh samet and getting a first-aid kit to tend my back injuries after falling off the ATV.. it was so gentle, so warm, so sweet.
thanks blog, for allowing me to pour my heart out here.. i really do appreciate it. i know i've got friends who'll gladly listen, but i don't wanna bother them and dampen their moods on a weekend. i feel better now.
because of easter, there is a way out.. of emotional despair. hope will come to those who wait, as the heart of heaven breaks. there will come a day, when this will all fall away.. and we'll be singing, hallelujah.
bringing me to his kingdom.
1:20 PM
