i'm finally back after 4 years, haha! and my, within these 4 years, i must say i have grown. suppose to be working on services marketing group project right now, but obviously, i'm distracted. so distracted and so frustrated, i decided to revive my long dead blog.

well, these few weeks haven't been the best for me. in fact, i hated the past few weeks. i've never felt this down, this upset, and this frustrated my entire life. i wished this whole episode was a just a nightmare that didn't happen in reality. i prayed so hard to have my amazing life back again, but it turns out life has so much more in store for me. as much as i still wish all these didn't happen, i've got to admit i've learnt alot from this trial.

first of all, i learnt that i really do have hell lots of true friends who love me and are willing to stand by me through my darkest moments. and i truly appreciate every single one of them from the bottom of my heart. louise, meishan, angel, kink, cal, nate.. thanks for being there when i needed to let my tears flow cos it hurts so bad, and thanks for believing that i can move on.

secondly, i learnt that i'm actually capable of loving someone genuinely. people i've known all my life, especially those in poly, know how hard-hearted and stone-cold i am towards love. haha! but now i discover, i am actually capable of loving and i can be broken. i realise that it takes alot from me to be willing to open up and allow someone into my heart. but when i love, i give my whole heart completely. i never knew my heart was this fragile, this delicate. like everyone else, i thought i was strong and nothing could ever bring me down. oh well, i guess i learn more about myself everyday :) i've never ever regretted anything in this relationship and if ever i am given the chance to live a part of my life once again, i'll definitely choose to do this all over again without hesitation.

thirdly, i learnt that my parents will always be there for me. they'll always be ready to listen, and to embrace. and i'm sorry for all the times i've been rude.. i'll change, really. more than once, my parents have caught me either crying so hard or tearing as i stare into blank space. and i know they're worried and concerned for me cos they've never in their entire lives seen me as such an emotional wreck before. i honestly want to tell them all that i'm going through and how hard it is, but i can't. i want so badly for them to assure me that despite not knowing why God is allowing this to happen, it's all in His perfect plan for me. but i can't, i can't afford to disappoint them. i've never disappointed them and it will not start now.

fourthly, i can feel God drawing me back to him once again. it's true, only when you're weak you'll see how strong God is. and i believe God is using my brokenness to experience His greatness. i've been an extremely fortunate child of God, and i regret to say it took me up till now to acknowledge it. my entire life has been smooth sailing, with negligible trials and obstacles. even though i don't live a charmed life, i'm blessed with a happy family in a comfortable environment. i never had to worry about anything. when it comes to studies, i may not be the creme of the crop, but it always turns out to be fine at the end of the day. and when it comes to jobs, i've always been blessed with those i genuinely enjoy and it's definitely not something everybody gets. i've been blessed, so blessed.. and it's about time i acknowledged this very fact.

so i believe that if h e is in God's plan for me, all the missing pieces will eventually fall into place as God reveals His plan for me. and when that time comes, there will be no obstacles. everything will be smooth sailing, just like how the last 21 years of my life has been. some things may seem impossible and some issues may be too sensitive to touch on right now, but then again, who can predict life and what's gonna happen tomorrow? TIME AND JESUS! :)

i believe in God, i believe in miracles, and i believe in happily-ever-afters.

when i fall i love, it will be forever