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Tuesday, April 07, 2009
you wanna know a strange and funny thing?
i actually thank God for placing gabriel in my life, even if it's for a mere few hours. cos he made me double confirm with myself what's true, that no one else can ever replace h i m in my heart. when i first made the above statement, i honestly meant every word i said from the bottom of my heart. but on the other hand, i wondered if it's just another one of my mantras considering my stubborness. i thought to myself.. perhaps i could let go if i allowed myself to break free from my own mantras, perhaps i was making a mountain out of a molehill, and perhaps this was all self-inflicted.. cos i remember how strong i use to be, and i'm surprised this could bring me down. i was confused, utterly confused at which of my feelings were genuine and which were not.
with gabriel's however short presence, i was able to reaffirm with myself that there's truly no other who could ever take h i s place. that it wasn't one of my mantras but something i honestly believed deep down inside me all along. the very fact that i love h i m with all my heart, that i wanna share my life with h i m. i'm definitely not one who says 'i miss you', when i don't. i'm definitely not one who says 'i love you', until the moment i feel it in my bones that i truly do. and i'm definitely not one who says 'no one can ever take your place in my heart', unless i literally know it in me that you're irreplaceable. it's not stubborness, it's not determination, it's not sweet-nothings, and it'll never be to prove everyone else wrong. it's just me, plain me.. being true to my own feelings. and boy, it's beyond me to forget everything we shared and move on.. it's beyond me, really. believe me when i say i've tried.
friends tell me it takes time before it gets better, and i know it's true. but what is it exactly? if it's a time to let my wounds heal, i'm telling you honestly that they're healed. cos i no longer feel as miserable as before, losing all my appetitite, taking hours to fall asleep, and waking up afraid. now, i have the courage to look at our photos and smile, i can visit places we used to go and not feel a lump welling up in my throat when those beautiful memories resurface. i've walked out from the pain and hurt, and i can only remember the happy memories we shared together now. but what if this exact same time also made me realise that i'm not kidding, and i'm not being stubborn.. that i really do love h i m so deep, that i really do want so badly to care for h i m, that i really want h i m to be a part of my life as i am a part of h i s, and that h e ' s really someone sooooo special to me that i can't afford to lose. yes, time healed.. but time proved as well.
louise once said to me, 'it's true, you may not necessarily marry the person you love most'. i agree with that, but only to a certain extent.. cos it can happen to everyone else, but i'm hell bent on it not happening to me. the person i marry in future will definitely definitely definitely be someone i truly love. if not, it's gonna be me suffering for the rest of my life! haha. don't worry guys, i'm not thinking about marriage yet. i'm just making my stand that i will never marry someone i don't love :)
i just want to smile from the heart again. i don't know what tomorrow holds, but i know God will hold my hand. whatever it is, my day will always end the same way.. with a simple prayer for y o u to be safe and to be happy.
bringing me to his kingdom.
3:19 PM
