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Monday, May 18, 2009
swollen, puffy eyes.
cried so badly last night, i couldn't breathe. the next time i checked the time, more than an hour had passed and i was surprised. i'm certain the past two months of tears that have flowed are the most in my 22 years. i think all that keeping mum and holding back everything i have to say is doing more harm than good to me. i never wanted to put a cap to the love and care i give, i'd rather keep the hurt to myself than risk spoiling the time i have with you. cos i treasure the time we share. and all i ask is for you to spare a thought for me.
i told myself, it's okay if you turn your back on me when i want to lean on you. it's okay if you hit me in the head 'playfully' but in actual fact you've crossed the line. it's okay if you claim to be so busy and brush me away. it's okay if you have endless time to spare for your friends but with me, you say you've got lots of work waiting to be done. it's okay when you don't hesitate before agreeing to meet your friends but you need days of contemplation before agreeing to meet me. it's okay if you wander off yourself, expecting me to follow you. it's okay when you call only when you're free and i'll always be there, but it doesn't work the other way round.. i always have to hope you're in a good mood when i'm waiting for you to answer. it's okay even if you choose to throw your temper at me, i'd still be there to soothe and comfort you.
it's okay cos i know i'm not exclusive anymore even though you still are to me. i'll never be too busy for you.
i keep smiling and telling myself it's all okay, it's not that big a deal for me to look away for awhile and inhale a couple of long deep breathes to keep my cool. cos i still notice and take joy in the small, simple acts you go out of your way to do for me. but i guess, there's really a limit to everything.
i don't care if i need to mark papers when we meet up. as long as i get to spend time with you, anyway i really do enjoy marking papers. but above it all, all i really want to do is to help lessen your workload, take away the stress, so you get more time to rest and won't fall sick, and so you'd be happier. i even took the initiative to limit the time i wish to spend with you thinking you might want to have some time resting at home or catching up with your work. but when you decided to meet your friends without hesitation for a dinner i didn't even dare think of having with you as much as i wanted to cos i thought you'd want to rest, it just broke my heart even though i refused to let you know.. simply because i know i've got no right over anything anymore. i still genuinely enjoy marking papers, but why does it seem to me that you actually do have enough time.. for everyone else, but me?
i keep putting your feelings above my own, even up till now. despite having you slam the door in my face countless times. every night, i still pray for you to be happy, safe and healthy. every day, i still wonder how your day has been and what you might be doing. i wonder if you're happy and if you have enough rest, if you took care of yourself, if you got injured during training. but i guess you've never wondered about mine since you hardly ask. you can easily not contact me, while it's still so hard for me to accomplish no matter how busy or exhausted i may be. i'm not even worth one minute of your busy days. that's when i know, i'm disposable.
i want so much to tell you all my hurt and pain, you used to be the one who'd listen and comfort me. but how do i now when you're the one who caused it? i kept all these in me cos i was afraid what might happen if i were to tell you, i still am. i'd rather keep it to myself if i can't guarantee it'll be words of comfort you'd say to me. cos i can't afford to have another slash in my heart when the very first wound hasn't even healed yet. i'm not strong enough to handle another deep slash. but i can't keep it in me any longer.. i'll lose my mind. i'm thankful for every nice thing you do for me, but i feel so alone in this hurt, in this pain. it's been a testing period for my patience and endurance.
i don't wanna let go, i've never wanted to let go.. and i still don't wanna let go. but really, it seems you don't need me in your life anymore. it's piercing my heart to admit this. or perhaps, you've been taking my love and care for granted unknowingly.. i don't know. i've never blamed you for any of these, i just wanted to be treated fairly. maybe cos you're kept secured knowing i mean it when i say i'll always be here for you. i know despite you not admitting it, you still miss me occasionally and that's when you call out of the blue.. and i'd be there for you. but what happens when the tables are turned?
i'm struggling, i'm lost. but i know the day i make the decision to really move on, i'm gone. is this what i want? well, you never really gave me a choice.
i always say the ball is in your court, but now i'm giving this ball to God. i wanna dream and i truly believe in miracles, but i don't wanna dream something that's my own. i wanna dream something for God, and for God only. i don't wanna listen to what humans have to say.
and i will soar on wings like eagles.
bringing me to his kingdom.
10:30 AM
